When I speak to groups, I often start with a question:
“How were you taught to treat others?”

Almost every time, I hear one of two answers:

1. Treat others how you want to be treated.
2. Treat others how they treat you.

Both of these “rules” reveal a lot about our tendencies:

• The first assumes others share your preferences, style, and priorities.
• The second keeps you in reaction mode—mirroring the other person’s behavior, good or bad.

Here’s the reality: over 80% of people have a different communication style than you. If you stick to those rules without adjustment, you risk talking in your language while they’re listening in theirs. That’s why I use a different approach—what I call the Three Golden Questions:

1. Who am I?

Before I connect with someone, I ask myself: What’s my natural style? Am I fast-paced or more deliberate? Task-oriented or people-oriented? This self-awareness helps me see where I might need to adapt.

2. Who am I trying to connect with?

I shift my focus from my own preferences to theirs. Are they relationship-driven or results-driven? Do they want to move fast or take their time? This question moves me from “treat others how I want to be treated” to “treat others how they need to be understood.”

3. How can I engage to succeed?

This is where I choose my words, tone, pace, and body language intentionally—so I can meet them where they are.

The Starbucks Story

I learned this the hard way at a Starbucks I’d never been to before. I usually order ahead on the app, walk in, grab my drink, and go—minimal interaction. But at this new location, my drink was never ready when I arrived. Every time, the barista would glance at the order ticket, glance at me, and then slowly start making the drink. I’d stand there with my arms crossed, thinking, Come on, I ordered ahead for a reason.

One day, I decided to try something different. As soon as I walked in, I made eye contact, smiled, and said, “Good morning, [Barista’s Name]!” She smiled back, greeted me warmly, and—this was the surprise—my drink was ready before I expected. From then on, whenever I greeted her by name and took a moment to connect, the whole interaction changed. The delay disappeared.

It wasn’t magic—it was engagement. By shifting my approach, I changed her response. That’s the power of the third Golden Question.

Final Thought
The old rules are simple, but they don’t always lead to connection. The Three Golden Questions—Who am I? Who am I trying to connect with? How can I engage to succeed?—help you adapt, connect, and succeed in any conversation.

Call to Action:
If you want to go deeper in answering the first Golden Question—Who am I?—and even begin answering the other two—Who am I trying to connect with? and How can I engage to succeed?—start by taking our free DISC and Values assessments. You’ll uncover your unique communication style, understand what drives you, and gain insights that help you connect more effectively with others. Take the free assessment here »